IT DEPENDS

During a talk at a church in Miami Lakes, two years ago, I asked a question: “Is it wrong to to be romantically involved with another person, while still being married to your spouse?

The room erupted in a collective gasp. They couldn't believe that I would ask such a question.
Slowly the group members began to respond. “The answer is Yes, that would be morally wrong” said one. “That is called adultery in my book,”said another. “Get a divorce first” another. Someone said, “It's OK if your wife gives you permission.” The consensus of the group was that it is the wrong thing to do. “Immoral, cruel, selfish, cheating” were some of the other words used to describe such a behavior.

What is your answer Paul, asked someone and I said: “It depends.”

Another gasp in the room. They couldn't believe their ears. Some of them thought I had drifted off the moral rails and fallen into a sludge of sin. You may be thinking that right now. I don't blame you, because “it depends” is at the outset, a “wishy-washy” answer. It sounds like an appallingly responsible answer when marital fidelity is in question, especially coming from a man of the cloth.

Before you judge me any further, hear me out: Let me tell you a story.

Jim and Jill were hospice patients on my team. They were residents of an Alzheimer’s unit in an Assisted Living Facility. They were among the twenty five patients living in a locked unit. They are mostly bed ridden, but sometimes they sit in their wheel chairs. They were in their early seventies and they have been diagnosed over five years. They were non-verbal but sometimes responded to a squeeze on the arm with a weak smile. They sit in their wheel chairs for hours, staring at the bare walls of the facility. Their daily routine mostly consists of three meals a day, three diaper changes and mostly sleep. One caregiver described her father as an “eating, pooping, sleeping machine.”

Alzheimers is one one hardest diseases to watch. It is a progressively degenerative disease that can be long and drawn out. As the patient goes through the ravages of the disease, it can take a huge toll on the caregivers. Alzheimers afflicts the individual patient, but affects the entire family. There is a book called The 36 hour day describing the challenges and hardships of caring for Alzheimers patients. The title says it all.

Jim and Jill had devoted spouses. Jim’s wife, Maria visited three or four times a week. She also attended the support group for spouses on Thursdays. They have been married for 54 years. Maria grieved the loss of her “amazing husband” to this “wretched disease.” Their plan of retiring together and traveling were all dashed.  She felt like a crypt-widow among her couple friends, because, for all practical purposes, her husband was “dead’ but not exactly. After every visit, Maria returned to an empty home with a lonely heart.

Jill's husband, Matt is also a very devoted spouse. They have been married for 57 years. Jill had an early diagnosis of Alzheimer’s at age 63. Matt took care of his wife in the house with assistance from round-the-clock aides for ten years before placing her in the Alzheimer's unit. He was not too happy to do that, but caring for his wife in the house became emotionally stressful and financially unfeasible. He would visit daily, sit next to her, holding her hands. He would talk to her tenderly, stroke her hair gently and whisper, “I love you honey” into her ears, before the parting kiss. Matt always talked about the wonderful life they had before the disease struck her.

Maria’s and Matt’s paths crossed several times while they were visiting their spouses. They attended the same support group. They were experiencing the same loss; they were fighting the same enemy; they were undergoing the same crisis; they spoke the same language; they felt the same pain; they were on the same ground; they traveled the same road; they swam in the same emotional ocean; they were in the same proverbial boat!
Their agonizing stories of loss and pain brought them together. After the support group meeting on Thursdays, they went out for coffee together; then it was dinner together and walks on the beach two miles away from Facility where their respective spouses lived.

Matt was a realist. He talked about his wife being no more present in Jill. “She is existing, not living” he told me. He must have been rationalizing to assuage any sense of guilt he might have had for being close to another woman while his wife was still alive.

Maria too had her moments of guilt but she assuaged them by thinking that if the shoe were on the other foot, her husband would not have behaved any differently than what she was doing.

On September 18, 2010, Maria’s husband died. I officiated at the funeral. Matt was at the service comforting Maria. Matt's wife, Jill, died the same year on December 3rd. She was cremated. I had the privilege of doing a memorial service for her in the club house at Matt's condo.

Few months after the death of their respective spouses, Maria sold her house and moved in with Matt.

In January 2012, I received a phone call from Matt. “Guess what chaplain Paul, Maria and I are thinking about getting married and we want you to marry us; you know our story more than anyone else.”

I was delighted that two souls had found each other again…that their common pain had brought them together and their lives—what is left of it—does not have to be lived in isolation and loneliness.

On March 18, 2012, I officiated the marriage of Matt and Maria near the Deer field Beach pier surrounded by their immediate family.

Matt was 82 and Maria was 78. While signing their marriage license, Matt and Maria might have been signing on to a new lease on their lives—and seeing the light of love again, at the end of the dark tunnel of illness, suffering, sadness and loss.

Life is very often, messy, complex and complicated. Most life situations are mired in mystery, riddled with difficult choices and pulled in different directions by competing claims and dilemmas. None of us will ever fully know what another person is going through, what challenges they are facing, what hardships they are enduring, or what pain they are experiencing. That is why Jesus said: “Do not judge and you will not be judged; Do no condemn and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven.”

Apostle Paul repeats that advise in his letter to the Romans: “Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another.”

I think “it depends” is a good phrase to remember when faced with the quandaries and mysteries of life.

We live in a world where, most people see life as black and white. Living in the gray area is very uncomfortable for many. They want an “yes or no” answer to their questions. “It depends” is not an acceptable answer. According to them, abortion is always wrong; gay marriage should never be allowed; it is against the sanctify of marriage. Children should have both a mother and a father. They forget that the “sanctity of marriage” is callously disgraced in 50% of cases due to divorce. They forget that 45 percent of children in this country grow up in single parent homes. They forget that King Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines.

According to them, living in the gray area of life is being morally lax and, responding to life's questions with “it depends” is a wishy-washy approach.

If so, Jesus is the most morally lax and wishy-washy person who ever lived.

Jesus rarely gave a straightforward answer to any question. When the Pharisees asked “Is it right to pay taxes to Caesar or not?” he did not say pay taxes or don't pay taxes. He asked them to bring a coin. Instead of answering yes or no, he asked them a question: “Whose portrait is it? “Cesar's,” they replied. And Jesus said: “Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's”-- an open answer that can be broadly interpreted.

Let us look at the story of the woman caught in adultery brought before Jesus. (John 8). The Pharisees gathered around the woman with stones in their hands, ready to stone her to death. They wanted an Yes or No answer from Jesus. If Jesus had said: “Yes, go ahead and stone her,” they could brand him a heartless, cruel man. If he had said, No, they could accuse him of not following the law.

The law is clear. Leviticus 20: 10 and Deuteronomy 22.22 says the same thing: “If a man commits adultery with another man's wife both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death.”

It would have been so easy for Jesus to quote the law, answer the question and get out of there.
But, what did Jesus say: At first, he says nothing; he gives no answer. “Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger.” By not giving them a right or wrong answer, Jesus must have been encouraging them to think about the situation a little.

Think about why is it always the woman's fault? Why didn't they catch the man involved in this event? Where is he? How could they forget that Abram committed adultery with his maid-servant from which Ismail was born? How could they ignore that king David committed adultery with his soldier's wife and he was not stoned. How could they forget that Solomon had 700 concubines? Is this one poor woman more guilty than any of those men? Or is it because they are all men in powerful positions? There are so many questions and issues to consider before stoning a woman to death. Jesus must have been thinking about all that! Jesus was forcing the Pharisees to stretch their minds to see the facts and open their hearts towards compassion.

If you read the story, you will see that Jesus was not going to give an answer at all. But the Pharisees were persistent. When they kept on questioning him” he said to them:

“Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone...” and we know what happened. That was an “it depends answer” an answer that led to profound soul searching for the Pharisees and everyone one put their stones down and quietly left, leaving the woman alone.

The story reminds me of Pope Francis' response to the question about homosexuality. He said: “Who am I to judge? It is such a departure from his predecessor. Pope Benedict who was so sure about how bad it is. He said: “ homosexuality is intrinsically disordered.”

How about this one? While Jesus was teaching, some one asked him: (Lk: 13) “Lord, are only a few people going to be saved? He did not answer that question like a Jehovah's witness. According to them only 144,000 will be saved when the rapture happens. He did not answer like an evangelical preacher. According to him, only those who believe in Jesus will be saved. This is the answer Jesus gave:

“People will come from east and west and north and south, and will take their places at the feast in the kingdom of God.” It is a very open ended, general, wishy-washy answer. The phrase east and west, north and south, means there are no national, religious, ethnic or cultural boundaries. There are no requirements, qualifications, or credentials needed to sit at the feast in the kingdom of God.

When it comes to salvation, many people can't handle that answer. They want a clear-cut answer, a definite answer. Are you going to be saved or not? Few years ago, while discussing this issue in a Bible class, one lady said “I don't want to go a heaven where everybody else goes.” She was so sure that she was going to heaven, but her Muslim neighbor was not.

And then Jesus adds this line to the answer about people coming from east and west: “Indeed there are those who are last who will be first and first who will be last.” That is a bombshell statement that shakes the very foundation of human calculations, assumptions, presumptions and planning. We think that if we work hard, believe the right things, play by the rules, we should be rewarded. Not necessarily, it depends...

Before the crucifixion, Pilate asked a question to Jesus: “Are you the king of the Jews?” (J 18). He didn't answer yes or no. Instead, Jesus asked Pilate: “Is that your own idea or did others talk to you about me? Then Pilate asked: “What is it that you have done? Again, there is no clear answer from Jesus: He said:”My kingdom is not of this world? Pilate was so frustrated with Jesus that he was not answering any of this questions with a yes or a no.
At the end Pilate asked Jesus, “What is truth”? He didn't even wait for an answer from Jesus, because, he knew he was not going to get one,because it is such a loaded question.

What is truth? What is the truth about life, death, life after death? What is the truth about other people's lives and what they may be going through in any particular moment? What is the truth about why people do what they do”?

We think we know, but we don't. We pass judgments based on what we think and know, but our thinking could be so off base and our knowledge could be incomplete or wrong.

Always remember that absolute answers are available only in areas science and math. For example if you add two atoms of hydrogen and one atom of oxygen you will get a molecule of water; you can do that in Australia, Alaska or Alabama, the result will be the same. Or you add 2 and 4 the result will be 4, be that in India, Indonesia or Indianapolis. By the way, I have to tell you that a friend of mine once told me that 2 and 2 does not add up to 4 always. “It depends” he said, and I asked: “How come?” And he said, “it depends if I am buying or selling. If I am buying it is 3 and if I am selling it is 4.” So, even in math, nothing is absolute!

The point is that, please know that life does not neatly fit into any scientific or mathematical formula. Life is messy and it rarely fits any precalculated patterns. Have the humility to admit that we know very little and the little we know could be wrong.

Socrates was one of the smartest philosophers of all time. His favorite saying was:
“I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.”

As disciples, we are called to be like Jesus. Thinking like Socrates is not bad either.

We are called to put on the mind of Christ? What is a Christ-like mind?

It is open, flexible, loving, gentle, generous, compassionate, non judgmental, forgiving and unconditionally loving.

Let us pray:

Lord help us to stretch our minds and hearts to the four corners of the earth to include all our brothers and sisters in our circle of concern. Make us realize that our knowledge is incomplete, our vision is limited, our opinions are biased, and our viewpoints are only views from a point. Help us resist the temptation to judge people without knowing the facts and make our hearts compassionate enough to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Inspire us to replace our narrow, limited, biased minds with the generous, flexible and non-judgmental mind of Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen.